I have always been told to keep my mouth shut. Expressing the opinions that longed to be shared was forbidden. Significant words must always be captured and never released from the prison that became my mouth. Never sound too intelligent. Why all of these rules? I yearn to truly speak. Enough of this mindless chatter that is expected of me! These thoughts are ever-present in my busy mind, but I have not yet acted upon them. Is it fear? I look at the face in the mirror in front of me. The reflection is pleasant but I am not happy with the person I see there.
Being a woman of two and twenty in this year of 1850 is a job I wish to resign from. Is there an end? I hear talk of women fighting for our rights but I am not brave enough to join them. I am not even brave enough to make a stand for myself.
My mother calls me downstairs. She is always telling me to be more social, like my sister. I see no point in socializing if my words are not true to myself.
“Violet, please,” Mother pleads, “be pleasant tonight at the dinner. Your sister has worked so hard to invite the right people. She is trying to make a good impression as a new housewife and doesn’t need you to spoil it all.”
“I will try my best, Mother,” I reply half-heartedly.
“She is also trying to play matchmaker for you. She just wants you to be as happy as she is, you know. You are two years older and still have not found a husband. Soon people will call you a spinster with no hope of ever marrying. You don’t want that, now do you? Then nobody will want you,” following this statement she then repeated, “Violet, please be pleasant.”
I nodded and then ventured upstairs to ready myself. The maid styled my long, dark brown hair in a more intricate fashion than usual. My dark hair was a striking contrast to my milky complexion and cornflower blue eyes. The navy dress with cream-colored trim I wore fit my small frame well. I glanced in the mirror once more before my departure. I looked the part of a well-polished and well-behaved young woman. Could I pull it off? Did I want to? I saw the longing in those eyes, the longing to be myself. Maybe tonight would be the night I spoke my mind. Maybe tonight I would be unafraid of the negative opinions that would surely be formed against me. Maybe tonight I would long no more. Maybe tonight I will finally look in the mirror and be pleased with what I saw. With these final thoughts I tore my eyes away from the mirror, walked down the stairs, and sat in the carriage meant to take me to my sister’s dinner.
The moment I arrived I was greeted enthusiastically by my sister, Lily. Just as all recently married women do, she glowed with joy.
“Violet,” Lily began, “I have so much planned for you this evening! Come, come, I must introduce you to them all before dinner begins! If we do not begin immediately we will never finish in time!”
Over the next twenty minutes I met at least ten single, successful men my sister had approved of for me. There was Mr. Jones the banker. There was Mr. Thomas the lawyer. There were two or three who inherited family money so they have no need to work. Most of them passed in a blur. Most only wished to talk about the weather and their work. Only one piqued my interest, a Mr. Cahill the doctor. He was the last I was introduced to. Lily introduced us and walked away to check on dinner. I almost wished she had stayed. If she had stayed she would have scorned me for what I said to him and that would have been the end of it. Instead, he surprised me. After she first left, he opened his mouth to speak to me. I silenced him and interrupted him and then I spoke my mind.
“Sir, I pray that you say nothing of the weather or of your profession. I have heard enough of both from the other men and I shall hear no more of it. If that is what you wish to discuss I shall walk away and send Mr. Jones or Mr. Thomas your way,” I stated first. Once I realized what I had said I clamped my hand over my mouth. My eyes must have been the size of saucers. “I—“
“No,” he interrupted,” please, do not apologize. I find it refreshing when someone speaks what is on their mind instead of the same boring conversation that they have been taught to say. I was not going to ask you about the weather, I can see it for myself just by looking out the window. I also do not wish to speak of my profession, it is all I speak of all day and I do not wish it to become part of my evenings as well. I was actually going to ask you if you find enjoyment in reading.”
“I do,” I replied, still in a state of shock from both my words and his response to them, “I find books to be a wonderful way to learn new things and explore places I wish to travel to. Sadly, they also taunt me with the things I do not have but long for. What do you think?”
Our conversation went on until dinner began. Lily had placed me on the other end of the table from Mr. Henry Cahill so our talk was interrupted for now. I felt as though I should be ashamed of myself, speaking in such a way and to a man of all people! Instead of feeling shame, though, I felt invigorated. I knew that I should have stopped after the first slip up but I enjoyed it and so did he. Lily will soon hear of it. Mothers will hear soon after. Both will be disappointed. Surprisingly, I do not care.
After dinner was over, and we moved from the table into the parlor, Mr. Cahill asked me to a card game. We invited other guests but everyone else was caught up in their discussion of the weather and their professions. I was a bit too pleased no one had joined us. I had a question to ask him that I wasn’t eager for others to hear.
“There has been one question on my mind all evening,” I began, “Why are all of these men, including you, still unmarried? You are all so successful and seemed to be well-admired.”
He only took a moment to answer, “They have not yet found a woman they deem worthy of the greatness they believe they possess. I don’t think any woman short of nobility will ever amount to the woman they believe they deserve. Such is not the case for me.”
I was curious, “And what, pray tell, is the case for you?”
“I had not found a woman worthy of conversing with,” he stated, “My wife should not feel as though she cannot speak her mind to me. The mouth was meant to be an expresser of words, not their executer. I want to have meaningful conversation with my wife, not the dull and boring chatter that prevails in female dialogue or even dialogue in general. I had never seen such a woman. Until tonight, that is.”
“Oh, well —,” I was so flustered I couldn’t form coherent sentences. That had not been the response I had anticipated. I felt my cheeks turn red. It did not help that he was handsome. It did not help that he was smiling. It did not help that he was sincere.
“I see that I have taken you by surprise,” he said, “I hope I have not over-stepped my bounds. I am quite taken by you, I must admit. I wanted you to know that.”
“You are perfectly within your bounds, I assure you. I was surprised, but I am quite flattered,” I clarified, “A reaction such as yours is not one that I have ever received from anyone before. Especially not a man.”
“If that be the case, then I have a favor to ask you,” he began, “Will you allow me the pleasure of calling on you?”
“That would please me very much,” I replied. Mother will be proud of me for at least one thing this evening. Much more importantly, I am proud of myself.
As I left when all was over, Lily asked, “Did you meet anyone of interest?”
“Yes, I believe I did,” I answered. She was delighted but hers did not quite match mine. I said goodbye and walked toward the door to leave. As I walked by the mirror in the hallway I saw my reflection and smiled.
No comments:
Post a Comment